It’s more than a month into the new school year, and you may just be catching your breath from summer and feeling thankful that the kiddos are back to a more structured routine. The struggles your children faced last year are still at the back of your mind as you cross your fingers in hope that the clean slate of a new year will be just the opportunity needed to realize their fullest potential. This will be the year! Or will it?

It’s time to start preparing for the reality that soon you will be sitting in front of your children’s teacher(s) for the first parent-teacher conference of the year. And it may surprise you to learn that whether this experience is good or bad depends mostly upon you as a parent, regardless of the student’s grades or classroom behavior.

The parent-teacher conference is not a meeting into which parents should walk blind, uncertain of the comments or judgments the teacher may make. If so, you risk an ambush. Instead, it is a meeting into which you should enter with a general knowledge of the following: your child’s performance so far, class rules and expectations, how grades are determined, and what major assignments or tests loom on the horizon.

How do you come to know these things? The best way is to put your child to work – it’s their schooling we’re talking about here, and they should take ownership of it. Sit down with your children to go over what information you expect them to find out (if they don’t know already) within the next two weeks of school.

The information you should know right away concerns the general procedures, policy, and syllabi the class follows on a daily and weekly basis throughout each term. You should also, of course, be questioning your children about their progress, homework, tests, and daily assignments. Then, right before the conference, sit your children down again and ask them this question: What are the two best and two worst things about you that your teacher could possibly tell me during the conference? Have them write down the answers. Tell them there will be a post-conference discussion and that you do not want any surprises.

The goal of having this information and context before meeting with the teacher is so that during the conference your discussion can be informed and focused on the best interest of the student and the best way forward. You don’t waste time having the teacher relay factual information, and with no surprises your responses are more likely to be less reactive and emotional. More thoughtful and objective responses from you as a parent will keep the teacher from taking a defensive stance that could limit your working together on the student’s success. You should view school personnel as allies in the development and growth of your children. If you want teachers to view you in the same manner, it’s your job to set a tone of cooperation for a common goal.

The triangle of communication among parent, teacher, and student can mean the difference between failure and success in the new school year. Each is obligated to do his or her part to make it work. The teacher must be professional, the student must be diligent, and you as a parent must be the one to facilitate both empathy and accountability for all, including yourself.